How do you start your day?
Mine for years started with a Panic Attack…and dread…and fear. I would like there with my stomach clenching, pulling myself out of a nightmare typically, and trying to drag myself out of bed when in reality I wanted to hide under the covers.
I. Was. Terrified. Of. Everything. And mostly, I was terrified I wasn’t enough.
Some that know me from work, and more casually probably wouldn’t expect to see me curled up in the fetal position at the foot of my bed. But I was, routinely and for years, so overcome with the monsters my own brain created of the world, that I couldn’t find my way out. I would get up, I would try to do my job, try to be a great mom, and live my life, but internally and mentally, I was running from the negative thoughts that chased me through my day.
Mornings though, were always the worst…because all those fears chased me straight through my dreams into the terror of the day. Mornings meant a full-on confrontation of everything that seemed bad and wrong and scary…and then trying to actually function.
My family didn’t understand it. My friends tried to understand it…my husband definitely had no idea what the hell was wrong with me or what I was going through, except that whatever it was there was nothing he could really do to help.
It’s taken a lot of time to get here, years really, but my mornings are different now. I wake with purpose. I have a plan.
I start with “Thank You.” Thank you God, for the day, for watching me through the night, for setting me up for a good day and for watching over my children. Thank you God that nothing today that happens I will not be able to handle. I am strong. I am worthy. My God is more powerful than anything in front of me today. My God has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Good things are coming. I am loved.
Before I even get out of bed, I grab some water and my phone. I immediately open something positive. It can be an app (I have an app from “The Secret” with daily inspirational messages as well as a Joel Osteen daily app) or a podcast from Zig Ziglar. It can be a video from my home parish church. It can be listening to an audio book. I will search until I find something that resonates. Sometimes it’s even a video of my kiddos. Whatever it is, even if it is 2 minutes of my morning, it sets the tone for everything else.
Today, honestly, I needed an hour of God…but I know that hour will be repaid.
Here’s the thing.
My fears and worries still stalk me in my dreams, but not as often. Still, even when they do, I stop. I change directions. I Declare. God, you have the wheel. Jesus, thank you for walking by my side. I may not see a way but you have a way. Thank you for changing my heart.
My life is getting better every day. Yes, I have my difficulties but I choose to give voice and to action to what is positive and what is good and what I can be and become and contribute. I’m changing my words. I’m choosing my thoughts. Sometimes, I have to do it 10 times an hour to get myself on the right track or to even get through, but I am doing it.
Dear Jesus. Thank you for my Daily Bread. You’ve become it. Amen.