I lay here in my living room looking up at the moon through the giant windows of a house I should never have been able to have…

And I am ashamed.  I’ve had a rough week mentally.  The election floored me – I didn’t realize how awful I would feel if Trump was elected but more importantly how depressing I found it that such an elevated role of prestige and respect could go to man who has none for anyone.

I also got some other troubling news that simply landed me on my emotional knees.

All the good things I had been doing – walking, working out, following my diet, not drinking –

All has fallen by  the wayside this week while I crumpled.  I’m angry.  And maybe to some extent I am angry at God. 

Sorry God – I suspect you know if this is the case.  And yet you still grant me tiny miracles like this moon and these beautiful windows.

You see – I’m not ready for the rest or to be tested.  I’m barely onto stable ground.  And listening to podcasts all day and trying to do good things and pray is not comforting me so the shame I feel trying to fill this giant hole of fear with snacks makes it even worse.  I can’t concentrate.  I’m sad and I’m angry and I’m hurting and I’m scared and Lord while I trust in You as best I can there is still a lot of anxious me in there. 

Help me Jesus.  Pull me up.  Pull me forward so I may better walk in the right direction.