Sitting in the dark, so grateful for the first fire ever in our new house that I did nothing to earn but was overtly blessed to get, I sit here struggling with faith.

I have so much.  I have a beautiful house, heaf, healthy children, employment: while I’m by no means a millionaire or even wealthy we do well.  

And I am grateful for and I love these things.  I try to share my good fortune. I pray.  I try not to take things for granted.  I know I do not deserve them:

 But it’s difficult.  There are those very close to me going through a seeming opposite slope.  Money is tight, fighting for the basics is an uphill battle and it is as if life is conspiring against them.

And I feel in my heart they are more deserving.  They work hard.  They believe hard.  They pray hard.

I want them to enjoy these blessings too but God has not yet seen fit to pull them out of the fire.  And so I question.  I reach out to God for direction and I get radio silence.  I want to know what God wants me to do next and I cannot hear Him no matter how I pursue.

Dear Jesus, I ask in your name that you guide my next steps.  Help me know what you wanted me; help me know what the next steps need to be.  I thank you for all that you have done, and all I believe you will do.

In Jesus’ name. Amen.

I lay here in my living room looking up at the moon through the giant windows of a house I should never have been able to have…

And I am ashamed.  I’ve had a rough week mentally.  The election floored me – I didn’t realize how awful I would feel if Trump was elected but more importantly how depressing I found it that such an elevated role of prestige and respect could go to man who has none for anyone.

I also got some other troubling news that simply landed me on my emotional knees.

All the good things I had been doing – walking, working out, following my diet, not drinking –

All has fallen by  the wayside this week while I crumpled.  I’m angry.  And maybe to some extent I am angry at God. 

Sorry God – I suspect you know if this is the case.  And yet you still grant me tiny miracles like this moon and these beautiful windows.

You see – I’m not ready for the rest or to be tested.  I’m barely onto stable ground.  And listening to podcasts all day and trying to do good things and pray is not comforting me so the shame I feel trying to fill this giant hole of fear with snacks makes it even worse.  I can’t concentrate.  I’m sad and I’m angry and I’m hurting and I’m scared and Lord while I trust in You as best I can there is still a lot of anxious me in there. 

Help me Jesus.  Pull me up.  Pull me forward so I may better walk in the right direction. 

I went to the adoration chapel this evening while my children were in religious Ed – expecting I don’t know what but wanting to be physically in the face of God.  

I had a vision of sorts of my open – soul?  I don’t know – just envisioned a giant hole in my chest full of puss, and ooze and poison and darkness.  All the Nasty thoughts and wrong beliefs and hates and fears draining out.

All the sin and all the goop that keeps me from Jesus.

Whether it was a vision or a picture brought forth from my imagining I believe, Jesus, you brought your Holy Spirit in to cleanse the wound because I asked for it.   Underneath the debris and crust lies my God-shaped hole.

Please Lord, cleanse me, purify me, and make me whole with your love.  Repair my heart and change my mind in anyway necessary that will help me to serve you.

amen.

Dear God:

Heard today to pray to you like it’s my Birthday, and to ask for what I really want with a boldness.  I will ask today with childlike faith, in the face of almost ridiculous odds.

So here it is:

1)Dear God: Help me to find a bigger, beautiful house in an excellent school district that will take care of my son’s needs. I feel he has so much to give the world and I want all the training and support he can possibly get.  I ask for a large kitchen in which I can cook healthy food for my family and feed all my relatives.  I ask for an extra bedroom so I always have a place for others to stay comfortably.  I ask for nature to help bring peace, a neighborhood full of children for my children to play with, fantastic neighbors, and I ask for an office and space of my own in which to work and pray and write.

2)I ask for my book.  I know my book is in me.  I ask that you would send your Spirit into me and help me find my words.  Let me write YOUR words.

3)I ask Lord Jesus, that my current house be sold readily to people who will love and cherish my gardens.  I ask that they will take care of my neighbor Rich.  I ask that they be driven to my house, and that it be the perfect place for someone quickly.

4)I thank you Lord, for healing my son’s legs and removing the sores.  I know this was You.  It was not supposed to happen quickly and they set our expectations for the worst.  You far surpass all expectations.  I am believing that right now you are healing my liver, and that I will live a life long and useful in which I will raise my children and bring joy into your world.

5)I ask Lord, for your continued blessings financially.  You have prospered me and given me so much.  I promise that what I have I will share.  I believe you see that in my heart.  I will use what you provide to spread your glory and kindness.

6)I ask Lord, and thank you for the continued healing of my spirit.  Change me.  Make me more useful to you every day and help me to share Your Love.

7)Finally Lord Jesus, I ask that you heal my sister: heal her home, take away her fear, save her home from the enemy and prosper her and her children.  She does so much.  She is Christ to me and to my family every day.  We know you have our Aunt Judy there with you: hopefully she will help guide you to make my sister’s reach and breadth further than her furthest imaginings.  Heal the heart of my mother-in-law, and help me to be better and more loving to her every day and not take on her pain as my own.

Thank you God.  Thank you God.